My Breastfeeding Journey

Hi everyone! I just wanted to share my breastfeeding story with you as it is something I hold near and dear to my heart!

When I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. The more I researched and talked to people, I started to realize that a lot of the women I talked to said their milk “dried up” after so long. I thought it must be something they’re doing, right? How does your milk dry up? Breastfeeding is supposed to be a God-given natural gift…or so I thought. My mind set changed from “I’m definitely going to breast feed no matter what!” to “I am going to try!”

After giving birth, it came time to breastfeed for the first time! (Eek) I had read so much how the first latch comes so naturally- I was so nervous, excited, scared and much more. So I brought my sweet sweet Gracelyn up to my breast and waited for her to latch. I waited and waited and then waited some more. She didn’t latch. She barely opened her mouth! I was so confused and insecure but my nurses were awesome and helped so much. I just sat there feeling so weird as the nurse smashed my breast into a sandwich and shoved it into Gracelyn’s mouth while massaging my chest to get the milk to come down. After about 15 minutes of trying, she still didn’t latch.

I had developed a fever during my labor and it got to Gracelyn as well. At this point, since she wasn’t eating, they decided to take her away for some antibiotic treatment for the fever. I had to stay behind so David followed her every step of the way going from the treatment room back to my room to check on both of us.  I had just given birth 30 minutes prior, and my baby was already away from me. I feared she wouldn't ever latch on if we couldn't spend those precious first minutes together. I had read so much about chest to chest or skin to skin. I was extremely worried but continued to trust in God and in His plan.

About an HOUR later, they brought her back to me (in her own pajamas that I had given them!) My nurse looked at all the visitors in the room and said, “Okay everyone out please, this baby needs to breastfeed!” I was so excited again and hoped she was ready and hungry by now since she hadn’t eaten at all since being born. If I remember correctly, I think I just ripped my entire shirt off out of excitement to breast feed instead of just lifting up my shirt like a normal person. Whatevs. I brought her to the breast and my nurse did the breast-smashing-massage trick again and guess what? She latched on! I was so amazed and happy! I couldn’t tell if she was sucking hard enough to get anything out but I kept trying and pretty soon, she was eating every hour.

I’d be lying if I said, I wasn’t insecure about breastfeeding. The next day I had the lactation consultant in my room all day and I’m not joking. Every time it was time to feed again, I felt like I needed her with me to guide me. There is a method to the breastfeeding madness- it’s not just as easy as putting the baby up to your nipple. There are so many different ways to hold baby and different things to do with your free hand, it’s crazy!

From day one I started pumping in the hospital. I would feed her on one side and pump the other. On day 4, my milk came in- that was funny to wake up to! Overnight, I had implants! Horray. I continued my method of feeding on one side and pumping the other, then I’d feed her on the side I last pumped and pumped the last side she fed on. Make sense? Didn’t think so…I should have just fed on both sides like I had read so many times!  I was so stressed trying to “get” this breastfeeding thing down, that I was STILL insecure to breastfeed on both sides. My mind was a machine: feed, pump, lather cream on sore nipples, store milk, clean parts, repeat. In the first month I was never relaxed while feeding, I was tense, in pain and tired! The first 2 weeks were not painful at all. Week 3-5 were a visit to hell and back. There was one night where I was in so much pain with a clogged duct that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I stormed out of bed and thawed some frozen breast milk and put it in a bottle. I offered the bottle and she refused and screamed in hunger. After 5 minutes of begging her to take the bottle so I wouldn’t have to breast feed, I came to my senses. I reminded myself that the pain was only temporary and this was just the beginning to the many pains of motherhood I am going to endure for her. I ditched the bottle and latched her on and just fought through the pain. The next day I woke up sick with the chills and my breasts were so sore, even the water from a shower was too much to bear. I walked around shirtless that morning because I just couldn’t handle having clothing touching my raw nipples. I will say that my nipples were never cracked or bleeding- just sore and raw as all get out!

Week 5 rolled around and I remember being at church when my sweet baby began to cry inside the auditorium. I wanted her to calm down so I wouldn’t have to leave and feed- I was still dreading all the painful feedings. I took Gracelyn to the mother’s room and sat on the comfy couch to breastfeed. I am so thankful that my church has a mother’s room because there is a TV inside so I was still able to listen to the sermon. I began to cringe as I anticipated the latch. Across the room was another mommy beautifully rocking in the rocking chair with a teeny baby who had to be younger than my 5 week old. (props to her for being at church so soon!) She was nursing in the cradle hold on the left breast and using her right hand to gently rub the top of his head. She was stunning and she made it look so natural and effortless! It was then that I looked down at my tiny human, quietly eating and rubbing my breast with her hand. It suddenly dawned on me that the pain was gone. How long had I been feeding painless and not realizing it!? I was so wrapped up in feeding her and getting it “over with” that I failed to realize just how special and intimate each feeding can be. I’ll never know if that other girl was feeding in pain, all I knew was she was cherishing the moment.

From then on I always try to feed with intent. I always feed on both sides just to get a little more time together! (8 months in, it’s hard to bond when I have a baby kicking who is looking in all different directions while eating.) I pay attention to her and rub her back or let her hold my finger. Her favorite thing to do is rest her foot on my shoulder! Crazy girl. Every once in a while, I catch her staring up at me and my heart just overflows…and then I get another letdown (that’s hormores for ya).

Rocking her old man hair! It slowly coming in :)

Breastfeeding was not easy in the beginning and it still has it’s challenging moments like remembering to pump at work (post coming on that!), eating right and drinking enough water, just to name a few! The bond we share is indescribable and I cannot imagine stopping anytime soon.