Postpartum Truth

I’ve been wanting to write a post on this for some time now. At almost 7 months post partum I feel like I am basically 100% healed from birthing Gracelyn. There were lots of interesting things that happened as I recovered and I feel ready to share my story with anyone who cares to hear it. These are my honest, open thoughts and I hope you can smile or relate. I thought I would be totally “normal” and bounce right back to my life before but that didn’t exactly happen. Either way, I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything in the world.

The last picture I took while pregnant! 37 weeks! She was born 3 days later.

Healing: I said I’d be open and honest so here’s your chance to exit out of this page.

After Gracelyn came out, I was informed I had a tear but I couldn’t really feel anything at that point but all I wanted was for someone to close the damn door! My dad and brothers were getting ready to come in but I was still completely exposed! It was the most uncomfortable feeling, I wanted a blanket or something but it was just choas! It took them FOREVER to stich me up and I just wanted them to hurry up so I could close my legs. They said they only gave me two stitches so I was hoping I would heal fast. That night, I don’t think I slept at all- I was in awe as I watched my baby sleep in my arms. The next day I was so sore! Everywhere. Surprisingly, my arms were the most sore as I used them to hold onto my legs while pushing. Down below was also very sore and I treated that with witch hazel on a pad (Thank you Aubrey!). I couldn’t sneeze without feeling like I was going to rip a stitch! I couldn’t stand up without taking a deep breath and moving slowly. I bled for a while too. This was manageable with a big bag of comfy depends. Yup, I said it. Those huge pads were just weird. But then again, so is a diaper butt. These were just so much more comfy and easy.

Peeing was easy but…um…pooping was a bit different. I had been taking a stool softener for a week before something actually happened and that was almost as scary and birth! I didn’t wanna push so I just sat there waiting. It didn’t feel good but it eventually happened. At my 4 week check-up I was told everything was healing fine but my stitches were still there (I had the dissolving kind). The doctor said to give it another week or so before having sex. At 6 weeks I still wasn’t sure if they were gone and I didn’t want to look and I was also still bleeding. So, I took a chance and just tried anyway. Poor David had been extremely patient this whole time and was more than ready to try again! Once the baby had been asleep for a while we gave it a go. I was terrified. Let’s just say it did not feel good and I think my stitches were still there so we waited another 2 weeks. After that things were much better!

I think everyone who has had a vaginal delivery fears to ever ride a bike again. As I was healing, I just didn’t even want to think about it! I don’t think I have gotten on one yet but I think if I did, I would be just fine. The human body is an amazing thing and in time, it heals.

Emotions: I was blessed to not suffer from PPD but I did experience a mix of emotions. It is so crazy to feel happy, nervous, tired, blessed, thankful, scared and love all at the same time. I made sure to go outside every day for 15 minutes alone. I would use this time to breath, relax, pray etc. This helped a lot because I didn’t feel trapped inside all day. The fresh air and sunlight was enough to give me a little boost for the day. I also showered every day or every other day. I would relax and just let the hot water hit my back for a good 10 minutes. This worked out perfect because the warm water made my milk come so I was leaking and ready to feed baby afterwards. I tried my hardest not to lash out towards David since he was basically getting much more sleep since I was the only food source for baby. Some nights he would grab her when she woke up, change her diaper then hand her to me. After a few weeks I just did both because I didn’t want him to be too tired for the next day. Some days I did want extra help but most days I did fine. As the days went on I just got happier and happier. I am so thankful that I never fell into a sad or depressed state- I think most of us are just tired and cranky! The joy I feel when I look into those gorgeous brown eyes overrides that cranky feeling in a way I just cannot describe.

Exercise: I had been pretty active up until the middle of the third trimester. I no longer cared to finish “just one more mile!” I was so exhausted, heavy and tired that I just wanted my feet rubbed every night while I ate a big bowl of ice cream and to fall asleep cuddling my preggle. I loved swimming and yoga but I just honestly didn’t care at the end of the pregnancy. David encouraged me to walk, though. We would walk about 5 miles every night so that was a fun thing to look forward to.

Now, I do minimal exercise because I am honestly scared to lose my milk. I had a scare a few weeks ago when my milk took a nose dive and I just got it back to what it used to be so I am terrified to lose my milk again if I lose fat. I am about 6 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight and I feel ok. I was talking to David about exercise and we decided hiking, biking, walking etc. will be a good start that way we can all do it together. Now that Gracelyn is here, I just don’t want to do ANYTHING without her. When I’m home, I want to be with her. I no longer care too much about going places or seeing people other than my family. I have a few friends and I am very thankful for them but I just want all my time for her. Priorities change after you have a baby.

My Body: Well…let’s see. My boobs are bigger, much bigger and fuller. After I’ve nursed, they are deflated and saggy. Then my milk comes and they are big and round again. My tummy has stretch marks but not as much as I thought I’d have. They have also gotten lighter so it’s not that big of a deal to me. I tried putting my belly button ring back in the other day and then immediately took it right back out. My butt went bye-bye and I think I have a few wrinkles around my eyes. Other than that, I’m pretty ok with my body. Breastfeeding has helped a ton with getting the weight off and keeping it off. I try to eat healthy but I don’t neglect the oreos when I see them. I am no longer insecure which is very weird. David can barely keep his hands off of me and I don’t push him away anymore or deny when he says I’m sexy or gorgeous. My body is different and looks opposite from before but my baby loves to cling to me when she’s upset, she loves to rub my breast when she eats, and my husband says I’m a hot mama. I am blessed and loved by my two favorite people on this planet. I am a beautiful wife and mommy. I’m not perfect but I try my best for my family.

I am happy with my recovery and where we are in our marriage with our little girl. I LOVED being pregnant and will cherish those memories forever! Now, I will just keep moving forward and focus on the goals I have for myself. Being a certain size or weight is not a priority for me. My priority is being right there when Gracelyn wakes up, feeding her and playing with her. My priority is to get it on video when she crawls and takes her first step. I am pleased with how I feel and know that I am a blessed girl!

A picture of my big girl because she is just so darn cute!